


Texts From Avenger's Tower

by Dragongoddess13



Series: Texts From Last Night [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Deadpool - All Media Types, Hawkeye (Comics), Supernatural, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies), X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Brotps, Drabbles, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Orgy, Texts From Last Night, Tumblr, dragongoddess13, nsfw language, the avengers and company should have their phones taken away, weimaginedarcy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-06 23:48:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 250
Words: 8,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6775150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragongoddess13/pseuds/Dragongoddess13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of drabbles based on submissions from <a href="http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/">textsfromlastnight.com</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. #1

#1

Darcy & Tony

“…and then you fell through the lawn chair.”

“Hell of a night.” Tony texted back. “Tell me there’s no footage.” he practically begged, hoping his desperation came across clearly.

“You told Jarvis, and I quote ‘That shit don’t leave the circle’.” Darcy replied a gleeful little emoji following afterward.

“Oh good. Wait, what circle?”

“The circle of trust you insisted we all make by physically sitting in a circle. Although, Jarvis wasn’t physically in the circle so you might want to double check on that footage.”

“Crap… I hate loop holes.”

“Since when?”

“Since they started working against me.”


	2. #2

#2

Darcy/Bucky Darcy & Clint

“He left a hand print on my ass. He called it a five star review.”

“Five stars on the first date, not bad kid.” Clint replied almost immediately. “Was it his real hand or the metal one?”

“The metal one. There are little lines where the plates meet it and it kind of hurts to sit down.”

“Yeah, probably not his best move, but its been 70 years gotta figure there’s a learning curve.”

“True. The Asgardian Mead didn’t help either.”


	3. #3

#3

Darcy & Natasha

“Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my dumb ass accomplished that.” 

“I told you to stretch first.”

“Your concern is over whelming, Nat.”


	4. #4

#4

Darcy & Scott Lang

“Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get your shit together, Scott.”

“I don’t want to.” he texted back with a crying emoji.

“It’s just a TV show.” Darcy annoyance was palpable.

“How could they kill him off? How?”

Darcy wondered why no one had created a viable way to adequately express the eye roll through text message


	5. #5

#5

Darcy & Jane Darcy/Steve

“I’m sorry I lead life with my vagina.”

“You should be, you left me alone at the bar while you got lucky in the bathroom.”

“The store room actually.”

“Whatever, the point is, while you were getting lucky with the star spangled man, I was at the bar getting hit on by the creepy guy from the eugenics lab.”

“At least he was a scientist.”

“Darcy!”


	6. #6

#6

Darcy & Tony

“Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you’re high?”

“Tony, please tell me you’re not in the lab right now.”

“No worries boobs, Bruce is here too. Where do you think I got the weed.”

“No worries? The two of you can’t work together without blowing something up when your sober.”

“At least there’s no chance he’ll hulk out. That would be funny though. Just picture it; The Stoned Hulk.”

“NO! Tony, don’t you dare!”

“Too late.”


	7. #7

#7

Darcy & Jane Darcy/Hogun/Fandral

“I got titty fucked last night and you’re breast feeding your new born. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.” 

“Clearly.”

“Definitely no hard feelings about you having to turn in early last night.”

“Good to know. Whose the lucky guy?”

“Hogun and FYI his usual intensity is super hot during sex.”

“I thought Hogun and Fandral were together?” 

“Yeah, turns out I have a voyeurism kink too. Who knew.”


	8. #8

#8

Darcy & Jane

“I don’t think I’m ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator and I’m strong enough to open my own jars.”

“At what point did we become comfortable enough in our relationship to text these kinds of things at 6 in the morning?”

“Somewhere after the metal death robot but before the inter-dimensional elves.”


	9. #9

#9

Bucky & Steve Bucky/Darcy

“I’m not closing myself off to the possibility of making a bad life choice.”

“Does this bad life choice wear glasses and look like a pin up?”

“She’s wearing seamed stockings today, Stevie! How do I walk away from that?


	10. #10

#10

Darcy/Tony

“Tomorrow will not be complete unless someone eats me out. Just sayin’.” 

“It would be my genuine pleasure, boobs.”

“Oh shit, you’re not Jane.”

“No, I am not. Still happy to oblige.”


	11. #11

#11

Darcy & Bruce

“Where does dick fit into Maslow’s hierarchy of needs?”

“Not Jane!”

“Sorry Bruce.”


	12. #12

#12

Darcy/Reader's Choice

“Your vagina needs to teach my vagina it’s ways.”

“Friday night, you bring the vibrator, I’ll bring the strap on.”

“It’s a date. I’m curious, how do you feel about ball gags?”

“For you or for me?”

“Yes.”


	13. #13

#13

Darcy/Clint/Bucky

“I know it’s wrong but I’m human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and fuck the crazy out of me. Please.”

“Can I bring Bucky?” 

“Please do.”


	14. #14

#14

Clint & Tony

“I’m sorry I filled your suit with glitter.”

“Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I am not interested.”

“How has no one shot you yet?”

“I’m not really sure. I think it’s best not to question it.


	15. #15

#15

Darcy & Clint & Kate

“Stop getting drunk and running away. I can’t chase you. I’m in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.”

“You have no idea how much I want to see that.”

“Shut up Clint. Kate can take care of you from now on.”

“No, she’s mean to me. Plus she’s like a little sister so when I get all handsy it’s just gonna make us both uncomfortable.”

“Good, then maybe you’ll learn your lesson.”

“I think we both know that’s not gonna happen.”


	16. #16

#16

Darcy & Tony

“I mean we were all drinking, but I’m pretty sure kidnapping came up.”

“Kidnapping? Who?” 

“I don’t know but there’s used duct tape all over the floor of the common room and a chair is missing from the dinning room so I would definitely call your lawyer, just in case.


	17. #17

#17

Darcy/ Reader's Choice

“Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?”

“Not nearly as successful I’m sorry to say.”


	18. #18

#18

Darcy & Jane

“I’m just going to bring the big suit case this trip so I don’t have to play wine bottle tetris again.”

“Darcy this is an astrophysics conference, not spring break.”

“I’m well aware, why do you think I plan to drink so much.”

“You don’t have to go, I could ask one of the other assistants to go with me.”

“Fuck that, it’s in Bermuda.”


	19. #19

#19

Darcy & Tony

“Don’t take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your vagina is gold.”

“That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you Tony. Jane is still my best friend though.”

“I hope you get the clap.”


	20. #20

#20

Darcy/Clint/Steve/Bucky/Sam

“Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.”

“I can’t believe you guys had an orgy without me.”

“Next time Clint, promise. FYI I think Steve and Bucky have had a night like last night before and Sam’s ass is fantastic.”

“Doesn’t surprise me and yes it is.”


	21. #21

#21

Darcy/Clint

“You can’t just say ‘I scored us a potential threesome.’ and then not text me back.”

“My bad Darce, but if it makes you feel any better, I didn’t get laid either.”

“What the hell happened Clint?” 

“Well, Sam and I were talking and then there was a lot of beer… and that’s pretty much all I remember.”


	22. #22

#22

Darcy & Tony

“My b-day was great. There’s a cum stain in she shape of a hand print on my sheets.”

“Eww, also, you go girl.”

“Thanks, not really sure whose hand it is, or whose cum. Needless to say it was an interesting night.”

“Sounds like it. If you really want to know I can have Jarvis check the security footage outside your room.”

“Please. Maybe it’ll jog some memories.”

-

-

-

“Um…it might be easier to tell you who wasn’t in your room last night. Damn boobs, how come I wasn’t invited.”


	23. #23

#23

Darcy/Logan Darcy & Steve

“Update, the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!”

“I take it things didn’t go so well with Logan?”


	24. #24

#24

Darcy/Deadpool

“I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt.”

“Your the woman of our dreams.”

“I try.”


	25. #25

#25

Darcy/Bucky

“What happened last night? There’s a ripped up shirt all over my living room floor.”

“You got a little drunk last night and well…”

“Well what Bucky, what happened?”

“You grabbed my shirt and said, “Hope you’re not attached.” and ripped it off before I could answer you.”

“Oh…were you attached?”

“Nah, borrowed it from Steve.”


	26. #26

#26

Darcy & Tony

“Always keep a stash of tequila in your desk. That’s like adulting 101.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s not Tony, but I will definitely take the advice anyway.”


	27. #27

#27

Darcy & Sam

“I feel like too many of my sentences start with ‘Hey Fuckface’.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that. Of course I’ve also noticed everyone you’ve spoken to has deserved it, so…”


	28. #28

#28

Darcy & Wanda

“So I just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my name tag from work. All three have different names on them. God I love my boobs.”

“I’m so proud of you, Wanda.”

“I had an excellent teacher.”


	29. #29

#29

Darcy & Sam

“I don’t need no damn man, when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.”

“That sounds painful.”


	30. #30

#30

Darcy & Pepper

“I can’t wait to shower all this regret off of me.”

“Fun weekend?”

“The best. Thanks for letting me borrow the jet.”


	31. #31

#31

Darcy/Pietro

“Text me later if you aren’t dead and wanna have a drink later.”

“Why do you doubt I would be alive later?”

“Clint found the arrows you tampered with.”

“Don’t wait up.


	32. #32

#32

Darcy & Jane

“Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?”

“He’s the Hulk, how many theories can there be?”

“He never hulked out, so there’s quite a few. Tony’s not really helping matters either.”

“When does he ever?”


	33. #33

#33

Darcy/Bucky

“I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.”

“You’re Welcome.”


	34. #34

#34

Darcy/Johnny

“I’m just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn’t know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?”

-

-

-

“Johnny?”

-

-

-

“Johnny, you still there?”


	35. #35

#35

Darcy/Reader’s Choice

“We probably shouldn’t have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour, that was probably my bad.”

“Probably not, didn’t make it any less fun though.”


	36. #36

#36

Darcy/Reader’s Choice

“We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in fridge.”

“Interesting, insane, whatever.”


	37. #37

#37

Darcy & Natasha

“How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friends?”

“I would think stright forward is the way to go.”

“You think so?’

“Oh yeah, I mean, you can’t really tip toe around a question like that.”


	38. #38

#38

Darcy & Clint

“I know, I’m a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.”

“Somehow I don’t think the pope would approve your canonization.” 


	39. #39

#39

Darcy & Tony

“After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.’

“Pepper is such a lucky woman.”


	40. #40

#40

Darcy & Tony

“And I’m laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.”

“Don’t you have a meeting?”

“Probably.”


	41. #41

#41

Darcy & Wanda

“I just turned down a booty call because I’m having a Star wars movie marathon.”

“I’m both proud of your restraint/dedication and disappointed you didn’t invite me to watch Star wars with you.”


	42. #42

#42

Tony & Pepper

“No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.”

“Tony that’s not funny.”

-

-

-

Tony?”

-

-

-

“Tony!”


	43. #43

#43

Darcy/Bucky

“I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like sex isn’t even on the agenda tonight.”

“Sex is always on the agenda and I’d be happy to help.” 

“You’re a real trooper Barnes.”

“Thank you… What’s a landing strip?”


	44. #44

#44

Darcy & Jane

“But he was still all ‘You texted Tony while you were getting fucked?’ like that was weird part.”

“Why would you text Tony during sex?”

“I had a thought and I didn’t want to lose it.” 


	45. #45

#45

Darcy & Tony

“Are you saying I’m your favorite hot mess?”

“Never!”


	46. #46

#46

Darcy & Thor

“Get ready, tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples.”

“What! No! Thor!”

“I have been told it is a warrior custom on Midgard.”

“You’re kidding right?”

“This is what Clint and Tony have told me. Could it be they were not truthful?”

“I love it when you’re sarcastic. How far are you going to take this?”

“Thank you. Until the appropriate moment of complete embarrassment has descended upon them.”

“Love it, take pictures.”


	47. #47

#47

Darcy & Clint

“I’m actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt.”

“Way to go, Darce.”

“Thank you, Thank you. *takes a bow*”


	48. #48

#48

Darcy & Steve

“Darcy are you okay? Tony said you had a black eye?”

“I’m fine Steve, just a stupid accident.”

“Are you sure? What happened?”

“Promise you won’t tell anyone?”

“Promise.” 

“Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever.”

“...Wow, that’s awful.”

“You’re laughing at me aren’t you?”

“Never.”


	49. #49

#49

Darcy & Clint

“I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog.”

“Poor Kate, she’s such an emotional drunk.”

“Stop getting my protege drunk, Lewis! She’s underage.”

“I doubt that ever stopped you.”

“That’s more of an argument for my side.”


	50. #50

#50

Darcy & Nat

“So, did you enact your revenge?”

“I made him watch 4 hours of HGTV, then told him i was too tired for sex.”

“Savage.”

“It’ll definitely teach him not to forget our dates.”


	51. #51

#51

Darcy & Steve

“How’s the reunion going Darce?”

“My ex just walked in with her hot wife.”

“Oh dear, sending much love.”

“Just send a machete.”


	52. #52

#52

Tony & Clint

“I woke up on a raft in a tub filled with beer. Excellent night.”

“Your teen years sound awesome, Stark.”

“They were, at least what I remember of them.”


	53. #53

#53

Darcy & Jane

“I’m owning this being a social human being thing tonight.”

“Yeah, we’re all so proud of you Janey. Maybe tomorrow we can shoot for being a functioning human being.”


	54. #54

#54

Kate & Darcy

“My ex is having a baby and I’m over here planning my dog’s birthday celebration.”

“Awe your throwing a birthday party for Lucky? Fun!” 

“Yeah, there’s gonna be a doggy pool shaped like a bone and a pizza cake made out of dog treats. And then of course actual pizza.”

“Also, who needs a baby when you’ve got Clint.”


	55. #55

#55

Darcy & Sam

“The bartender is giving Nat and Barnes a warning about the strength of the drinks they ordered.”

“Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?”

“Apparently not.”


	56. #56

#56

Darcy & Pietro

“I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown and pour a cherry coke in.”

“I have nothing left to teach her.”


	57. #57

#57

Darcy/Bucky Darcy & Jane Darcy & Nat Past-Bucky/Nat

“He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick. Like how do you compete with that?”

“Your friends, maybe she’ll teach you.”

“You think so?”


	58. #58

#58

Darcy/Sam

“I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit.”

“Girl, you gotta stop having all the fun when we’re on missions. I’m starting to take it personally.”


	59. #59

#59

Darcy & Deadpool

“You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito.”

“That definitely sound like something I would do.”


	60. #60

#60

Darcy/Johnny

“Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony and I don’t have eyebrows.”

“How the hell am I going to stall them Johnny? There’s no way she’s not going to see through it, your sister is smarter than me.”


	61. #61

#61

Darcy & Tony

“I ‘m now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.”

“Atta girl, boobs, we’ll get you a supersuit and code name at the next meeting.”

-

-

-

“Clint wants to know how you use a vagina for evil?”

-

-

-

“Never mind, Natasha’s explaining it.”


	62. #62

#62

Darcy & Pepper

“I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.”

“You are the best boss ever.”

“Yes, well, Senator Kelly deserved it.”


	63. #63

#63

Darcy & Happy

“How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I’m trying to watch Downtown Abbey.”

“Oh crap! I’m missing Downtown Abbey!”


	64. #64

#64

Darcy & Pietro

“Have you seen Clint?”

“No, not today.”

“Okay thanks, if you do please let me know.”

“Okay.”

“Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape and my dick…”

“Sounds like fun, I’m in.”


	65. #65

#65

Darcy & Jane Darcy/Scott

“Congrats on dating a convict, there’s no fitbit badge for that one.”

“Scott may have done time but at least he never committed treason.”

“Touche.”


	66. #66

#66

Darcy & Clint

“What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?”

“Cheese is the answer to everything, Clint!"  


"And yet it doesn't answer my question."


	67. #67

#67

Darcy & Nat

“I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. WTF Brain.”

“You should tell him about them. I bet he’d be up for it.”


	68. #68

#68

Tony & Thor

“Its 7:30 pm and we’ve already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?”

“Volstagg’s secret brew.”

“Fuck, we’re all gonna die.”


	69. #69

#69

Darcy & Wanda

“He went down on me while I ate oreos. I don’t know what caused the orgasm.”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”


	70. #70

#70

Darcy & Helen Cho

“I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I’m responsible enough to use it.”

“I admire your dedication to personal betterment, but I strongly advise against that.”


	71. #71

#71

Darcy & Tony

“Costco cheesecake and whiskey. A night made in heaven.”

“You and I have very different ideas of what a night made in heaven entails. I will concede, Whiskey is the common denominator.”


	72. #72

#72

Darcy & Rhodey

“Your best friend is cracked.”

“What did he do this time?”

“He just texted me, and I quote “If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you… for pizza.”

“You gonna share the pizza?”

“Of course.”


	73. #73

#73

Darcy & Jane Darcy/Rhodey

“Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn’t come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.”

“Did he?”

“I woke up to a cold, but still delicious chimichanga and a melted Mountain Dew Slushie.” 

“The man’s a saint.”

“I know right. I think is says a lot about his friendship with Tony that he didn’t question my drunk and very unreasonable request.”

“So I guess a life long friendship with Tony prepared him for you.”


	74. #74

#74

Darcy & Jane

“Please don’t bang more than two exs at a time. Just so I won’t get confused.”

“Roger that boss lady.”


	75. #75

#75

Nat & Darcy

“Just crop dusted a kid that wouldn’t get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.”

“Nat, you are the hero this world needs.”


	76. #76

#76

Darcy & Steve

“I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I’m not getting laid.”

“When did Thor get back from Asgard?”


	77. #77

#77

Darcy & Jane

“I only wake up early for surfing, duck hunting, skiing and sex.”

“So just sex then?”


	78. #78

#78

Darcy & Tony

“I put on a tiger onesie to initiate sex...it worked.”

“You're lying, there’s no way that worked.”

“I’m serious, ask Rhodey, he was there that night.” 

-

-

-

“What did you give him to say that?”

“Nothing, I swear it worked!”


	79. #79

#79

Darcy & Natasha

“How was your date?”

“He was drunk within thirty minutes.” 

“Bummer.”

“He told me he sees me like a sister, then ten minutes later tried to make out with me.”


	80. #80

#80

Darcy & Pietro

“I thought you died. Don’t forget it’s burger night.”

“I could be dead and I still wouldn't forget burger night.” 


	81. #81

#81

Darcy/Bucky

“You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.” 

“Damn doll, you sure know how to treat a man right.”


	82. #82

#82

Darcy & Tony

“Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were both bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you had.” 

“And focus. Fun fact, I built the entire propulsion system for Ironman while drunk on tequila… in one sitting.” 


	83. #83

#83

Darcy & Tony

“Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me.”  

‘Gold medals all around?” 

“Eh, more like silver. The first guy in the alley was a 5 at best and the second in the bathroom was a 6.” 

“How many times do I have to tell you Lewis, 10s should never settle for anything less than a 7.”


	84. #84

#84

Darcy/Wanda

“I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.” 

“At least someone does.” 


	85. #85

#85

Darcy & Steve

“When’s the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered?” 

“Um…”

“Shit, sorry Steve. That was meant for Bucky.” 


	86. #86

#86

Darcy & Wanda, Darcy/Pietro

“I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together.”

“Don’t freak out but Pietro read your text over my shoulder and he ran away so fast he blew the coffee table over.”


	87. #87

#87

Darcy x Reader’s Choice

“Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.”

“Sandra Lee would be so proud of your hosting skills.”


	88. #88

#88

Darcy & Tony

“I’m just so full of love and alcohol.”

“Are you sure you’re not my kid.” 


	89. #89

#89

Darcy & Pepper

“How do you get the “hangs out with drunk assholes” insurance.”

“It comes standard to all Stark/Avengers Employees.”


	90. #90

#90

Darcy x Johnny

“I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!!!” #BETRAYAL

“Babe, I’m sorry but Doom doesn’t exactly give us any warning before going homicidal.”


	91. #91

#91

Darcy & Deadpool

“I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams do come true.”

“I’m so happy for you Wade.” 


	92. #92

#92

Wanda & Darcy

“Are you a fan of this sports thing? What’s it called? March Madness?”

“March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah, my vagina and I are big fans.”


	93. #93

#93

Clint & Kate, Darcy x Clint

“She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won’t eat the pizza crust. I don’t get it.”

“Please stop talking to me...forever.”


	94. #94

#94

Darcy & Nat

“If I read you the blurb from my dating profile will you tell me what you think I should change/fix?”

“Sure.”

“My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything...and drinking.”

“I wouldn’t change a thing.”


	95. #95

#95

Darcy & Jane

“How’s the new year treating you?”

“My ex’s new GF is pregnant and he is sterile so 2016 is starting off well.” 


	96. #96

#96

Clint & Darcy

“I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a santa hat.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be an adult, Clint?”


	97. #97

#97

Darcy x Nat

“If you don’t believe in my fighting skills, I don’t know if we can be together.

“The last time I tried to teach you self defence you punched yourself in the face.” 


	98. #98

#98

Darcy & Clint

“Honestly, who turns down a free blow job?”

“Never trust a man who doesn’t hesitate to turn down a blow job. If he doesn’t at least stop to think about it, something is wrong.”


	99. #99

#99

Darcy & Tony

“I can check “jump into a moving car” off my bucket list if that tells you how my night is going.”

“You’re kind of on a roll lately.”


	100. #100

#100

Darcy & Jane & Nat & Pepper & Helen & Betty & Wanda & Sharon & Daisy & Maria  


“We will now refer to it as the infamous double dick night.”

“Noted.”

"Copy that.'

"I'll have Jarvis make a note."

"Excellent."

"You're insane."

"...."

"How do you always end up in these situations?"

"You're not the hero we asked for, but you are the hero we deserve. <3"

"I'm still waiting on the incident report from Coulson." 


	101. #101

#101

Darcy & Jane

“Why is there a dildo on the ceiling fan?”

“The dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan, what did you expect?”


	102. #102

#102

Darcy & Jane

“How was the date?”

“He’s nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you’re. I win.”


	103. #103

#103

Darcy & Bucky

“So I hear your ex wants to get back with you.”

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”

“According to him he “gave you great heights of pleasure” and I’m quoting here.” 

“The only way he could pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch.”


	104. #104

#104

Darcy & Tony

“The dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.”

“This is what happens when 10s don’t settle.”


	105. #105

#105

Darcy & Pepper

“Any new Year’s resolutions this year?”

“To shove my foot up anybodies ass who tried to start shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference.”

“I knew you’d be an excellent PR agent.”

“Is that sarcasm?”


	106. #106

#106

Darcy & Tony

“Just got a call at work. I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day. If you arranged this it’s the best/worst April Fools prank ever.”

“  **: D** ”


	107. #107

#107

Darcy & Kate

“The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately…”

“Whoa, Kate, that’s...depressing.”


	108. #108

#108

Darcy & Tony

“I had to pay a cover for the first time last night. My tits didn’t get me in and I was so pissed.”

“Damn boobs, that’s like a crime against nature.”

“I know right!?”


	109. #109

#109

Darcy & Tony & Nat

“It’s an anonymous sex party. A crap shoot if you will.”

“That’s disturbing.”

“It’ll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.”


	110. #110

#110

Darcy & Kate

“Sorry my phone died because i decided charging my vibrator was away more important.”

“Your priorities astound me, Darce.”


	111. #111

#111

Wanda & Darcy, Wanda/Vision

“Yeah, I’m just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.”

“Sounds like a good plan to me.”


	112. #112

#112

Kate & Darcy

“Well, I told him that it’s not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blowjobs.”

“Seems a bit contradictory.”

“I’m aware.”


	113. #113

#113

Darcy/Steve/Bucky, Darcy & Jane

“Did Bucky and Steve really invite you to join them last night?”

“Yep :).”

“And you just agreed?’

“Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I’m not made of stone.”


	114. #114

#114

Darcy & Kate, Darcy & Jane

“So what did you and Kate do last night?” 

“We studied.”

“I’m so proud you're taking going back to school seriously.”

“Thanks.”

-

-

-

“Hypothetically speaking, how does one remove a lamp that they super glued to the ceiling?”

“Acetone nail polish removed and you lied about studying last night didn’t you?”

“Oh definitely.”


	115. #115

#115

Darcy & Tony

“You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea…”

“No, but I could be. And let’s be honest, I don’t need to be drunk to enjoy a terrible idea.”


	116. #116

#116

Kate & Clint

“Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?”

“Natasha.”


	117. #117

#117

Darcy and Natasha

“Nat, you handled that reporter spectacularly.”

“I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity."


	118. #118

#118

Bucky/Darcy

“Hi, I’m on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and candy.”

“Oooo, candy!”

“Really?”


	119. #119

#119

Darcy & Skye/Daisy Johnson

“Why was Agent C so mad after your private meeting today?”

“He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, “How thick is the stick up your ass.” was not the correct question." 


	120. #120

#120

Darcy & Steve

“I love Memorial Day. It’s drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America.”

“That is not what Memorial Day is about Miss Lewis. Have you been talking to Tony?”


	121. #121

#121

Darcy & Hunter

“I have three bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.”

“Girl after my own heart.”


	122. #122

#122

Darcy & Clint

“Found a pic on my phone from last night. You’re drunk. Arm wresting some guy in the bar bathroom, at a baby changing station. It’s my new wallpaper.”

“Did I win?”


	123. #123

#123

Reader’s choice

“I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. It that weird?”

“A little.”


	124. #124

#124

Reader’s Choice

“There is a fake eyelash glued to one of my balls.”

“TMI.”


	125. #125

#125

Darcy & Hunter

“I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner.”

“Bobbi is a lucky woman.”


	126. #126

#126

Darcy & Jane

“I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door. Best exit from building ever.”

“Careful darce, that used to be you.”

“Exactly, I’ve earned this!”


	127. #127

#127

Darcy & Bucky

“Okay Darce seriously, your mother can’t be that bad, stop sending me those weird emojis.”

“Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.”


	128. #128

#128

Darcy & Tony

“There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.”

“Happy Easter.”

“It’s August.”

“Happy belated Easter.”


	129. #129

#129

Darcy/Bucky

“Hey beautiful, no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC in the bathtub?”

“So that’s where that went.”


	130. #130

#130

Darcy & Clint

“I can’t find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.”

“I’ve got your keys, bring the hot dog.” 


	131. #131

#131

Tony & Pepper

“DON’T TELL ME I CAN’T HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA WITH DINNER. I’M AN ADULT I PAY BILLS.”

“Tony, you’re having dinner with the President of the United States.”


	132. #132

#132

Darcy & Tony

“Your mankini haunted my dreams.”

“What do you mean haunted?”


	133. #133

#133

Clint & Natasha

“Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.”

“Don’t most nights?” 


	134. #134

#134

Darcy & Tony

“I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.”

“9 minutes?!”


	135. #135

#135

Darcy & Jane

“Hey Thundercunt, I need your help!”

“That’s MADAM Thundercunt to you.”


	136. #136

#136

Darcy & Clint

“I guy I hooked up with years ago just endorsed me on Linkedin for “Customer Service”.”

“BRB Dying!”

“Should I be insulted or flattered?”


	137. #137

#137

Darcy & Pepper

“There’s a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen.”

“We live with animals.”


	138. #138

#138

Kate & Clint

“There are some days I just can’t believe you've survived to be 43.”

“Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is Twenty bucks no matter how you look at it.”


	139. #139

#139

Deadpool & Clint

“Is it normal that tacos make me horny?”

“It’s you Wade, normal jumped out the window a long time ago.”


	140. #140

#140

Darcy & Kate

“Drunk you needs to learn to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.”

“Agreed. Maybe there’s an app for that.”


	141. #141

#141

Reader’s Choice

“Apparently calling shotgun while getting out into a police car is frowned upon.”

“Do I need to come pick you up?”


	142. #142

#142

Darcy & Bucky cont. From 127

“I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college…”

“Okay, maybe she is that bad.”


	143. #143

#143

Darcy & Thor

“I woke up in a bed of pop tarts.”

“You always have the craziest dreams.”


	144. #144

#144

Dean & Sam, Darcy/Dean

“All she said to me before going to get another shot was “Damn I’d eat her out.”

“I’d return to hell to get you to stop talking right now.”


	145. #145

#145

Tony/Pepper

“I’ve had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age.” 

“No, not you.”

“Is that sarcasm I’m detecting?”


	146. #146

#146

Darcy/Steve

“Thanks for last night Darce, I really needed that.” 

“No problem. And can I be honest with you?”

“Of course, always.”

“You’re wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.”


	147. #147

#147

Darcy/Steve

“I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes.”

“That’s my girl.”


	148. #148

#148

Darcy & Jane, Darcy/Johnny

“I know he’s only a band aid for my emotional disrepair but he can stick me anytime!!”

“He is pretty.”


	149. #149

#149

Darcy & Jane

“So, are you going to hook up with Ian while he’s visiting?”

“Probably not.”

“Why not?”

“Our relationship didn’t last long enough for us to have sex more than once or twice.”

“Was it really that bad?”

“Right before he busted, he moaned  the British are coming.”


	150. #150

#150

Steve & Bucky, Darcy/Bucky

“How did the talk with Darcy go last night?”

“Pretty good. She agreed that we’re ready to take the next step in our relationship.” 

“Well that’s good, watching you walk around all sexually frustrated was painful.”

“I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that anymore.”

“Why’s that?”

“I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into. If that is not a reason to propose her then I don’t know what is.” 


	151. #151

#151

Clint & Kate Clint/Bucky

“He fed me girl scout cookies while I was tied up...What did I so right?”

“Clint, I love you like the brother I never asked for, but please, for the love of Thor please stop texting me about your sex life.”


	152. #152

#152

Darcy & Jane, Darcy/Hogun

“I’m at 45 minutes post orgasm and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.”

“I told you Asgardian’s know what they are doing.”


	153. #153

#153

Darcy & Tony

“Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you’re ready for a giant indiscriminate fuck fest.”

“That was my college experience.”


	154. #154

#154

Reader’s Choice

“How’s your potential booty call doing?”

“He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I’m like, dude, gross, french vanilla ok? Ugh.”


	155. #155

#155

Darcy/Gambit

“I’ve decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting.”

“Good, it’ll be more of a surprise.”


	156. #156

#156

Darcy & Kate

“I think I’ve had more sex in your bed than you have and I’ve only been here 3 days.”

“I’m so glad I asked you to apartment sit.”


	157. #157

#157

Darcy & Clint

“Tony bought a blow up Slip-N-Slide. He set it up on the hill behind the base, you coming?” 

“Hell no last time I used a Slip-N-Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.” 


	158. #158

#158

Darcy & Nat

“I’m just gonna ride this ego train to sex town.”

“Are you sure you aren’t related to Stark?”


	159. #159

#159

Darcy & Nat

“He just started dry humping the air...I’m done.”

“That’s probably wise.”


	160. #160

#160

Darcy & Jane

“Tell me you aren’t going out with this guy again.”

“I can’t lie to you Janey.”

“Darcy, he got you arrested, on Mother’s Day.”

“But he used his one phone call to call his mom and wish her Happy Mother’s Day, that’s gotta count for something.”


	161. #161

#161

Darcy & Tony

“And then before we had sex, he was quoting Space Jam to me.”

“He’s definitely a keeper.”


	162. #162

#162

Darcy & Nat

“Do you think I’m too demanding?”

“No, why?”

“Clint says my expectations are too high.”

“Well what do you want?”

“I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?”


	163. #163

#163

Reader’s Choice

“How’s the date going?”

“The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles.”


	164. #164

#164

Darcy & Jane

“Wanda just told that you're freaking out about running into you high school sweetheart when you go home for Hanukkah.”

“The last time I “ran into him” I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.”


	165. #165

#165

Darcy & Bucky

“Just denied a New Year’s kiss because he was a Cowboys fan.”

“That’s my girl.”


	166. #166

#166

Steve & Logan, Darcy/Logan

“How was New Year’s with Darcy?”

“Pretty sure by 1 am she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I’m now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.”


	167. #167

#167

Reader’s Choice

“Do you remember yelling out “insecurity makes my pussy dry!” unnecessarily loud at the bar?”

“No…”

“Oh good. I wouldn’t want  you  to feel embarrassed.”


	168. #168

#168

Reader’s Choice

“How do I say “i want to suck your balls” in a classy but sexy way?”

“Um…”


	169. #169

#169

Darcy & Wanda

“So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said, “What are we going to do about your vagina?” Like I hadn’t even dismounted him yet.”

“What does that even mean?”

“I have no idea.”


	170. #170

#170

Steve & Darcy

“You’ve seemed kind of down lately. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just feeling a little lonely.” 

“Striking out with the dates?”

“I just want someone who’ll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?”

“How about I bring you pizza for lunch. I’ll bring Bucky too. I’m sure he would be delighted to help with your second request.”


	171. #171

#171

Tony & Darcy

“Hey where did Steve go last night? He just left the party without telling anyone.”

“You tried to use him as a battering ram. I’m 99 % certain that’s why he left.”


	172. #172

#172

Reader’s Choice

“In the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me… then slapped my ass and told me “back to business”... I’m gonna marry him.”

“How romantic.”


	173. #173

#173

Darcy & Jane

“How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick pics sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL?”

“Superheroes.”

“Is that the problem or the solution.”


	174. #174

#174

Tony & Darcy

The only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbate.”

“Why do you insist on sharing these things?”


	175. #175

#175

Darcy & Tony

“You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day to spare your coworkers that savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?”

“You're in a lab with open flames. Get out! GET OUT NOW!!!”


	176. #176

#176

Darcy x Johnny

“I’m trying this new thing called honesty.”

“Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this?”

“Look, all I’m looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in.” 

“Oh, well that wasn’t so bad.” 


	177. #177

#177

Darcy & Bucky

“How was dinner with your parents?”

“I see myself subsidizing on tequila for the next several days.”


	178. #178

#178

Darcy x Steve, Darcy & Jane

“I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.”

“Wait… Captain America has tattoos?”


	179. #179

#179

Darcy & Jane

“You didn’t talk to him at all last night, how did he even know you wanted him to come up after the party?”

“I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I’m one hell of a classy bitch.”

“Not exactly the word I would use.”


	180. #180

#180

Darcy & Rhodey

“Okay, Tony looks really proud and Pepper looks really annoyed. Why do I get the feeling it has something to do with you?”

“Well my parents know I get medical cannabis. They saw me on the news at the dispensary.”


	181. #181

#181

Darcy & Tony

“My mind doesn’t want to day drink, but my heart does.”

“Welcome to my world.”


	182. #182

#182

Darcy & Steve & Thor

“Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen?” 

“Ask Thor.”

-

-

-

“Why is there a goat in the kitchen?” 

“Ask Loki.”

“Never mind, I don’t want to know anymore.”


	183. #183

#183

Darcy & Bucky

“I don’t want to get out of bed. I feel gross today.”

“You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You’re fine.”

“Thank you.”


	184. #184

#184

Darcy & Steve

“Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions.”

“Amen.”


	185. #185

#185

Bucky/Steve, Darcy & Bucky

“HE MIGHT HAVE YOU BUTT HOLE, BUT HE CAN’T HAVE YOUR HEART. THAT’S MINE.”

“That goes without sayin’, Doll.”


	186. #186

#186

Darcy & Tony

“How’s the Science! Road trip?”

“They’re having a chugging contest. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.”


	187. #187

#187

Darcy & Natasha

“Question.

“Shoot.”

“He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?” 

“Obviously.”


	188. #188

#188

Darcy & Tony

“Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you and AA accept you.”

“I need that on a T-shirt right now.”


	189. #189

#189

Darcy/Loki, Darcy & Jane

“Is there an “I fucked your brother” emoji?”

“Not that I’m aware of.”


	190. #190

#190

Darcy & Jane

“The smoothie place is closed but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.”

“Wine is nothing like a smoothie, Darcy.”


	191. #191

#191

Darcy & Pepper

“Please tell Dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on.”

“Oh geez.”


	192. #192

#192

Clint & Fury

“I have a mission for you Barton.”

“My butt remains clenched sir.”


	193. #193

#193

Darcy & Tony

“Stoned, Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.”

“I told you Bruce’s stash was too strong for you Tony.”


	194. #194

#194

Darcy & Bucky

“How’s the family reunion going?”

“My grandma just put on bowling shoes to play wii bowling.”

“I love your grandma.”


	195. #195

#195

Darcy & Tony

“Fuck tequila. I should know better by now.”

“Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila.”


	196. #196

#196

Darcy & Jane

“That jawline could fucking have it’s way with me.”

“Steve or Bucky?”

“Yes.”


	197. #197

#197

Darcy & Natasha, Darcy & Bucky

“How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian?” 

“Is Bucky still moping?”

“He’s plowing through my stash of gourmet ice cream as we speak.”


	198. #198

#198

Darcy & Steve

“How do you put up with Tony?” 

“Masterbate.”

“?” 

“Dealing with people is so much easier after you’ve had an orgasm or 4.”


	199. #199

#199

Darcy & Bucky

“I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office Christmas Party. Is that too much to ask?”

“Nat at all.”


	200. #200

#200

Darcy & Jane

“I don’t know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.”

“That seems to be the general questioning when dealing with Johnny Storm.”


	201. #201

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously considering doing a SuperLegendsFlarrowVerse version. What do you think?

#201

Loki & Thor

“This is the best thing we’ve done since that time we started a religion.”


	202. #202

#202

Darcy & Tony

“I told him I was ready for another round and he said “After this part” what guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!”

“A guy who does not appreciate quality rackage obviously.”


	203. #203

#203

Darcy & Tony

“If I get over there and the April fools joke is that there’s no HBO, I’m setting fire to the place.”

“Even I’m not that much of an asshole.”


	204. #204

#204

Darcy & Bucky

“I’ve lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room had lost its luster.” 

“I’m sorry Darce. You want me to bring you a pizza to your office and eat you out under the desk?”

“If you think it’ll help.”


	205. #205

#205

Darcy & Jane

“So this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubicle and scratched his balls for like a full minute  casue he thought no one could see him.”

“Do you miss the lab yet?”


	206. #206

#206

Reader’s choice

“My relationship: I’m wearing batman panties and a tiara right now, trying to get laid and he’s doing dishes.”

“Those are like your best moves!”

"I know!"


	207. #207

#207

Tony & Pepper

“I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist.”

“Well it’ll certainly give you something to talk about.”


	208. #208

#208

Steve/Bucky, Steve & Darcy

“When he mumbled “I can’t feel my legs,” proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I’d given great head.”

“Damn Stevie, teach me your ways.” 


	209. #209

#209

Reader’s choice

“I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birthmark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for not noticing it.”

“That’s awful.”


	210. #210

#210

Darcy & Jane

“Why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan?”

“Why not?”


	211. #211

#211

Bucky & Steve, Darcy/Bucky

“I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blow job gave me a charlie horse.”

“Congrats Buck.” 

“Was that sarcasm?”


	212. #212

#212

Tony & Rhodey

“Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.” 

“Unless your apology involves expensive alcohol, I don’t want to hear it.”


	213. #213

#213

Tony & Darcy

“When I said you could use my car and have sex in the back… I wasn’t  being serious.” 

“I know.” 

“But you did it anyway?”

“Yep.”

“...Are you absolutely  _ sure  _ we aren’t related?”


	214. #214

#214

Thor & Lady Loki

“I just want you to know you are the worst sister ever.” 

“Is this is about me and your ex, It’s not my fault she doesn’t like men.” 


	215. #215

#215

Darcy/Bucky

“I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight.” 

“...I’m technically 100, does that count?”


	216. #216

#216

Darcy & Tony, Darcy/Dr. Strange

“How was your date with Wizard boy last night?”

“He was the perfect gentlemen on our first date. Took me out for a candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.”


	217. #217

#217

Tony & Bruce

“I need an extra hand in the lab.”

“That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.” 


	218. #218

#218

(In order) Jane, Steve, Tony, Clint, Bruce & Bucky

“Has anyone seen Darcy today?”

“No.”

“Nope.” 

“Not today.”

“Not that I recall.” 

“I did [...] last I heard from her, she was going to plant sunflowers, drink white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule The World on repeat.”


	219. #219

#219

Bucky & Darcy

“Where did you go after the toast last night?”

“I was around.” 

“Also, your Swedish friend whose name I don’t remember is really good in bed.”

“*Norwegian.”


	220. #220

#220

Clint & Kate

“The magnum condom fits. I feel like the manly version of Cinderella.” 

“Lose my number.”


	221. #221

#221

Darcy & Nat

“I’m setting goals and achieving them. I’m quite mature for my age.”

“Your goal was to fuck him and you don’t even remember it.”

“A minor set back. Everybody has them. No one is perfect.”


	222. #222

#222

Darcy & Reader’s Choice

“I fucked that choir dude last night. He had the most strangely musical moans. It was like a Sound of Music porno.”

“YOu have either the most interesting or weirdest sex life, ever.”


	223. #223

#223

Reader’s Choice

“Wanna go on a picnic?... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?”

“Absolutely.”


	224. #224

#224

Darcy & Jane

“I think someone is dead in the car across the street.”

“What! Oh my god!”

“Scratch that, dude’s getting a blowjob.”


	225. #225

#225

Reader’s Choice

“Executive decision...we are cuddling naked.” 

“Corporate America would be so much more pleasant if more executive decisions were made like that.” 


	226. #226

#226

Darcy & Wanda

“Hey, just making sure you got home safe after last night.” 

“Yeah, I didn’t end up spending the night with that guy.”

“Why not?”

“I came out of the bathroom and his pet bird was perched… ON HIS DICK!”

“Ow!”


	227. #227

#227

Darcy & Tony, Darcy/Johnny

“Hey, why did Storm look so mad when he left last night?”

“He was snoring, so I gave him a BJ to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.”


	228. #228

#228

Darcy & Wanda, Darcy/Loki

“It’s Halloween and your three drinks from drunk. Consider this a text from your conscious reminding you not to do anything you’ll regret in the morning.” 

“Like what?”

“Like fucking the homicidal god of mischief. I see the way your looking at him.”

“He’s got a British accent, a tongue ring and he’s wearing an eye patch… of course I’m fucking him.”


	229. #229

#229

Darcy & Nat

“I thought you said you were going to behave yourself last night?”

“I was doing good, then they gave me free shots.” 


	230. #230

#230

Darcy & Sam

“Why does my hand hurt?”

“I told you to rally, so you took off, knocked some girl down and said, “Not now bitch I’m in the fucking zone.”


	231. #231

#231

Darcy/Bucky

“Are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. You have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.”

“I’ll be there in 2.”


	232. #232

#232

Nat & Clint

“You won’t get this until you wake up, but the reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.”

“Caw Caw Motherfuckers.”


	233. #233

#233

Darcy & Reader’s Choice

“Should I put this extra money away or buy a new vibrator?” 

“Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys.” 


	234. #234

#234

Darcy & Tony

“Taking out the recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.”

“Tell yourself not to be such a snobby little bitch. Your not hurting anyone.” 


	235. #235

#235

Darcy & Tony

“Can I get my moral surgically removed.”

“No, I already looked into that in the 90s.”


	236. #236

#236

Darcy & Kate

“If he doesn’t give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he’s probably not worth it.”

“That...makes a lot of sense actually.”


	237. #237

#237

Darcy & Tony

“There’s just something about today that says let’s get drunk, don’t you think?”

“That’s pretty much every day for me.”


	238. #238

#238

Darcy/Clint

“I’m sorry I got called out on a mission, but I’m suffering here too.”

“You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had the chance!”


	239. #239

#239

Darcy & Tony

“So I was thinking...those 6am shots weren’t really needed.”

“...Your a literal mess, Lewis. I’m so proud.”


	240. #240

#240

Darcy & Bucky

“This friendship isn’t goin’ to work if you don’t respond to my drunk texts.”

“I was sitting right next to you.”


	241. #241

#241

Darcy & Jane, Darcy/Bucky

“Is Bucky still coming over for dinner tonight?” 

“We’re not ready for visitors right now.”

“WTF? Who’s we?” 

“The royal we: Me, My vag and I.”

“Your just having dinner.”

“Your so naive.”


	242. #242

#242

Darcy & Nat

“There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks.”

“Amen.” 


	243. #243

#243

Darcy/Bucky

“I just feel so blase` ya know. I can't go on missions, I don’t really have anything else to do. There’s only so many times I can clean my guns in the armory.”

“Will a lunchtime blowjob make it better?”

“It’s a start.?”


	244. #244

#244

Darcy & Nat, Steve/Nat

“Why are you avoiding Steve?”

“He’s like crack, I can’t be in the same room with him while Drunk and not do him.”


	245. #245

#245

Darcy & Tony, Darcy/Johnny

“Jarvis said your back already. How was the date with Storm?”

“He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. Then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?”

“On my way!”


	246. #246

#246

Darcy & Bucky

“How again for a holiday, what horror stories do you have for me this time?”

“My mom woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on, It’s 7am and she’s drunk.”


	247. #247

#247

Darcy/Bucky

“I just realized something about us.”

“What’s that?”

“We have sober sex! It’s a real relationship!”


	248. #248

#248

Darcy & Jane

“I’m going to Target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later.”

“Copy that, bring me some gummy bears.”


	249. #249

#249

Darcy & Steve

“I thought you were trying to be more zen, Steve.”

“Sometimes the most spiritual thing to do is punch somebody in the face.”


	250. #250

#250

Bucky & Steve, Bucky/Darcy

“Your clothes are all over the living room and there are empty bottles everywhere.” I thought you were going to her place last night.”

“Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.”

**Author's Note:**

> These were originally posted by my Darcy Lewis page on Tumblr [weimaginedarcy](weimaginedarcy.tumblr.com/)  
> You can also find me on my main tumblr page [Dragongoddess13](dragongoddess13.tumblr.com/)


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